November 21, 2010 Day 3

Today was a little bit difficult. I don't know if it was because i spent most of the day quiet doing studies for school but it was just kind of a down day. It was a struggle for me with my thoughts today. You know how sometimes you keep going off about a situation even after its done because you cannot believe the nerve of it...well that was me today. I kept remember this guy who i was "talking to" we weren't even dating, the first time i invited him over my house he for some reason assumed that meant we were going to sleep together. Once he realized that it wasn't going down like that, he became rude. He apologized for it afterwards, but....too late. Even though we work in the same vicinity I never spoke to him again. Realized that i've been dealing with assholes forreal. I'm unsure why i cannot spot them much quicker but i guess that is something that i will work on during this year.
Another thing i was working on today was trying to figure out what i am going to do with myself over this next year. I had begun working on a book about a year ago that i didn't finish. Its really good and that is definately something I have planned to complete. Along with submitting songs. I have been a songwriter most of my life, but never submitted any of them. Why? I have no idea, just got caught up in life I guess. Finish my weight loss. During 2010 I lost over 60 lbs, which is excellent but i am still not completely satisfied. I now am wearing a 14/16 which while not huge, is also not small. I want to atleast get down to a 8/10 and for my height and shape that is perfect.
I ordered a new bed today, because i also decided to work on redecorating my home how I want it. I love morrocan style, its a look that i have always wanted but never put forth the energy to do.
The more that i think about it the more i realize that I have put all my wants/needs/desires on hold for everything and everyone else. My daughter has 3x the amount of clothes that I do, my friends get counseling whenever they desire but are rarely there when i want to talk, and my family....well i nor you have enough time in life to talk about their bullshit. But its slowly becoming clearer to me how good this decision was to just really take a step back. Tomorrow is back to the weekday grind...hopefully everything goes well. Talk later.

Nov. 20, 2010 Day 2

Now I am a person that fasts and when you fast (if you are someone who fasts on a regular you know) your mind just becomes sharper and clearer. I felt like i needed to fast a couple of weeks agok but couldn't figure out what i am going to fast from.....hence my decision to take a year off. So anyways, i woke up this morning with this vivid memory of something that took place almost 15 years ago. why is this even remotely interesting, read on... a couple of weeks ago, i went out on a date with a guy that i recently met (no names will be mentioned...sorry:( ) Now at the movies, he was a perfect gentleman, but during our meal, he sneaks and takes a pic of my breasts with his cell phone and then shows me the pic as tho its the "right" or coolest thing ever, and no I was not scantly clothed which made it even more weird. Anyways......I was not only insulted but completely turned off from him at that point. If that wasn't enough when he drops me off he gets out of the car saying "i want you" as though I was going to let him in, then proceeds to text me "send me a pic of them" (referring to my breasts) within 5 minutes of leaving my driveway. So yes, I was totally dry(if you know what i mean LOL) . I let him know that i had no desire to see him anymore and advised him of the reason why. He claimed he meant no harm and apologized, but it was over. Well, about 3 weeks have passed and i hadn't thought anything else about him until this morning. About 15 years ago, i hooked up with this guy i had been dealing with and we went to a hotel and had sex. Well, I had sex for hours he just laid there in lifeless amazement receiving but not giving. I stopped dealing with him after that. He reached out to me but I didn't return the interest so things just died off. Why was that him!!! I laughed my ass off with both feelings of "hell naw" and honestly, some feelings of embarassment cuz i wondered if he might have remembered and assumed that we could just pick up where we left off!! He mentioned that he thought he "knew me from somewhere" and i said the same thing. I knew that where-ever we knew eachother from that we really KNEW each other, but I had completely forgot about meeting him 15 years ago (i guess that tells you how unsatisfied I was). Or did he not remember me and really is just immature at his 40+ age to have believed that his behavior that day was appropriate? Whatever it is, I found it crazy that the memory just dropped on me as i was waking up this morning. Man, if this is the kind of stuff that is going to surface this next year is going to be crazy!!! On to day 3.....

November 19, 2010 9:31pm

i struggle sometimes to be completely honest...but only with myself. i have no problem telling the world how i feel about certain things, but truly releasing or acknowledging feelings and situations that are going on inside of me i sometimes have great difficulty trying to express. I have to admit that this past year has made me a very bitter person, so much that i no longer pray. Although I grew up in church, I left church for years because I was not fond of the preacher nor of the environment. I felt that it was very hypocritical. I mean how could I continue to go someplace where I felt like I was not able to ask questions....true, real, get down and dirty questions. Since then I decided to try and deal with this situation or begin to come to terms with what a real relationship with God is, and its very difficult for me. I want what I want, and to know that its suppose to be all up to someone else makes me sometimes feel like a pawn in someones "Game of Life". So I have truly struggled this year trying to "keep the faith" when I know that all I ever wanted was love. I have prayed for this my entire life. Being adopted into a single parent household, it was not the most "nurturing" environment because my mom was the executive. She traveled more than parented, she yelled more than hugged, and cursed more than complimented. I sit and wonder how all of this has effected me as a person today. Am I still possibly tryin to fill this void? Is this THE void, or are there a multitude of things that I need to address once and for all? Im pretty sure its the latter of the 2. Well I still have 364 days to go so hopefully thats enough time and space for these issues to rise to the top and get dealt with. It scares me to think of what types of things are going to arise during this period because i truly feel that this is going to be an emotional experience for me....i hope that im doing the right thing.

November 19, 2010 6:22am Day 1

Although I have kept a diary for the past 20 years, i don't believe anything i have done in my past will compare to what i have officially decided to do. Take a year off dating and dealing with men to replenish myself and find my soul. Now don't get me wrong, I am not a man hater or basher, I LOVE men and that is the problem. I believe I love them more than I love anything else. The year 2010 has forced me to take a good hard look at myself when it comes to relationships, and i believe that the real issue is I have been searching outside of myself for satisfaction, versus coming to terms with my real true loves. I don't believe I even know what they are. So not only am i feeling weighed down by my experiences this year, my spirit is down, so therefore my standards and expectations of those around me are down. Now I'm not just gonna stop dating and somehow believe that it is going to change me, this goes much deeper than that. It really has to do with putting as much energy into myself as I have to please others, friends are included in this as well. So everyday I am going to tell you a little bit more about myself and document the next 365 days. Will I make it?? I'm not to sure but I'm damn sure going to try. Now...i just need to figure out what the hell am i going to do with myself....