November 19, 2010 9:31pm

i struggle sometimes to be completely honest...but only with myself. i have no problem telling the world how i feel about certain things, but truly releasing or acknowledging feelings and situations that are going on inside of me i sometimes have great difficulty trying to express. I have to admit that this past year has made me a very bitter person, so much that i no longer pray. Although I grew up in church, I left church for years because I was not fond of the preacher nor of the environment. I felt that it was very hypocritical. I mean how could I continue to go someplace where I felt like I was not able to ask questions....true, real, get down and dirty questions. Since then I decided to try and deal with this situation or begin to come to terms with what a real relationship with God is, and its very difficult for me. I want what I want, and to know that its suppose to be all up to someone else makes me sometimes feel like a pawn in someones "Game of Life". So I have truly struggled this year trying to "keep the faith" when I know that all I ever wanted was love. I have prayed for this my entire life. Being adopted into a single parent household, it was not the most "nurturing" environment because my mom was the executive. She traveled more than parented, she yelled more than hugged, and cursed more than complimented. I sit and wonder how all of this has effected me as a person today. Am I still possibly tryin to fill this void? Is this THE void, or are there a multitude of things that I need to address once and for all? Im pretty sure its the latter of the 2. Well I still have 364 days to go so hopefully thats enough time and space for these issues to rise to the top and get dealt with. It scares me to think of what types of things are going to arise during this period because i truly feel that this is going to be an emotional experience for me....i hope that im doing the right thing.