Hey, I hope your holiday was good, mine was well........i don't even know where to start. First I would like to say that if nothing else positive has happened to me this year, the one thing that 2010 has forced me to do is look at myself, my choices, my decisions and my life. I have come to terms and faced alot this year in dealing with myself, and alot of the things that I came to discover I was not to proud of, or realized that they do not align with the path or person that I would like to become. Yes, I am still growing, although I do believe I am a late bloomer.
I went out of town for the holidays with my mom and daughter, and it was again, both a positive and eye opening experience. My mom and I don't really see eye to eye (as if thats rare) but my reasons are very personal ones. I have never truly felt like my mother has ever actually cared about me or lifted me up to become the best person possible. Now I do realize and accept that my life and my choices are what I have done only to myself and they are things that I have to live with, but I do also feel that it is a mothers job to "guide" her child in the right direction. I also think you should know that I am adopted. I'm sure that plays a major part in it, because I never really am able to look at someone around me and see where I come from, or who I might act like. So there are things that my mom might be doing which are normal for parents to do, but I dont see it that way. When she is negative, I just see negativity. Example - out of town sitting down for breakfast, my aunt who lives in GA asks if I am driving back home. My mom replies yes and then proceeds to make up a story about how I don't know how to drive on the freeway so she has to teach me. I look at her like what are you talking about, but I dont say anything. The conversation continues and I say, well this out of town driving is good for me becuz one day I will have to get on the freeway to come back to my hometown (I really want to leave here) and my mom in front of everyone says "well get you some credentials and maybe someone will hire you"
That statement not only bothered me, it reinforced why we are not close. I don't believe in tearing your loved one down, especially not in the presence of others, and to work full time, be in school full time, a single mom of a child who is a straight A and B student (and I'm heavily involved in her education and her life) i think I'm doing pretty damned good. I don't receive any govt assistance or child support so I am really doing it on my own. But it let me see that I along with guys,I have also allowed others to tear me down as a person to make themselves look good in front of others. Which really makes me question my true level of self love. My daughter just yesterday said to me "i wanted to buy grandma a gift cert to a restaurant for xmas, is that good enough for her?" my daughter is 10, and for that to come out of her mouth scared me, because it is letting me see that she is going down the same path i did when i was her age dealing with my mom, and thats not right...atleast to me. i have no desire to allow my daughter to grow up a people pleaser, which essentially is what I have become unbeknownst to me at the time.
It seems that my quest for a year of peace is being challenged extensively, and on my way to work this morning, I realized that I allowed myself to be terribly bothered by the above incident and other ignorant situations that occurred over this holiday season. I forgot that its not just a year off of dating, but a year for me, which means polishing my own armor and finding the self that i truly love and respect. It means no longer putting myself or allowing situations to go on around me where I am made to be nothing more than an excuse or a stepping stool for your own personal gain. My daughter was in the room also when that "credential" statement was made, so imagine that kind of hurt to see your child look defeated because of your allowing defeat of yourself.
I'm not sure exactly what i am going to do about my situation but I do know a change is necessary. I'm unsure if its a change of scenery such as moving away to someplace else and try to start anew, or just a change within, or maybe both, but I do believe a change is necessary because inside I'm not happy and the more I am starting to feel my true emotions, the more I realize that I'm not in love with me at all, so how could I possibly truly love someone else.
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