Man, Christmas is over!!! No I'm not a holiday person at all, and trust me after this year I'm truly glad its over with. Spent the day with my mom and daughter, it was okay. Yes, it was the family turmoil because unfortunately we were split. Majority of the family was over a friends house, I spoke to my cousin a couple of times because he wanted to see me, but I was not going to abandon my mom because of the unnecessary riff.
Ready for a new day, not necessarily a new year, but just ready to wake up to something different. It has taken alot out of me to take this step for newness, and its difficult to discover these things about myself. You go through life thinking that you are all together and doing just fine, and then one day, it drops on you.....you're as screwed up as the next person. I've realized that I'm selfish, insecure in alot of ways and a little bit depressed. Wow. Yes, it was hard for me to admit that, let alone write it for you guys to see. I'm a little more things, but not ready to share all of that. So yes, I have alot of things to work on this upcoming year. I'm going to look at it as a challenge and try to grow to be someone who is secure in herself and loves herself completely.
Something else, I told you earlier that I'm adopted, well when I went to search for my records I was told that they were "misplaced" and that was 7 years ago atleast. Well doing some internet research on my hospital and discovered that the YMCA ran the hospitals so they have documentation on file seperate from those that the hospital would have kept. It might not be everything, but its something. I already have a slight history of my birth mother because they found a letter that the county wrote to my pediatrician to give them some history about my family, so I know that I have 3 siblings (1 bro or sis and a set of twins) who I would love to meet. Anyways, I filled out the request form so I shall see what happens.
Well I hope you had a good holiday and hopefully you will have a good new year. Gonna go and meditate to try to get in touch with this new me.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
December 17, 2010 Day 28
Well, this first month has been crazy....very crazy indeed. From going off on my boss at work for micro-managing me to turning around and making the decision to leave my current situations alone, I have not only done alot these past 30 days, i have learned alot also. School is almost done for this quarter...didn't do so well but i passed and I guess I can be happy about that. School is difficult sometimes to prioritize but I know that I need to graduate, so that helps keep me going even when not doing so well.
Well its almost Christmas and honestly I haven't been a holiday person most of my life, but as I said I'm trying to begin a new outlook on life and focusing on the negative or the things that you don't like about it makes it worse, so I'm pulling myself up. Oh, also decided to change how I speak about things. I had a bad habit of speaking negatively about situations where it always made me carry the burden of the bullshit. For example, if I met a guy who wasted my time, I would say that he wasted MY time, and it would piss me off for the longest because I felt like I had been cheated out of something. But instead now I will say that HE has wasted HIS time. Simple as it seems, it makes me feel better when i say it that way because it has nothing to do with me.
I'm really trying to move in the right direction with my life, and with this year on its way out and my bday arriving in less than 30 days, I believe its a good time for me to make a change. So in 2 more days my first month will have ended (but it feels more like its been a year already) and I will be on month number 2. I'm excited and scared because it truly feels like I'm on the edge of something and having to get ready for a change.
You know when you decide to grow up and do things differently you almost have to questions why you are where you are. I looked around me today and saw that I am very comfortable with the life that I am currently leading but I'm not satisfied with the life that I am leading and that is a big difference. Are the things that are making me comfortable in reality a secret hindrance to my true calling and goals? In order for me to grow I will have to step away from the cushion that is around me, and honestly that is scary. It feels scary. Am i ready to move away and trust that I can do it all on my own? Am I ready for a promotion with more responsibility or do I want to stay in my flexible position where I have freedom but no satisfaction?
There is a part of me that yells that I am 35 yrs old and should have this down by now, and that honestly doesn't help because sometimes it makes me freeze.
The bottom line is I need to figure some things out and get on it now and not later. My clock is ticking
Well its almost Christmas and honestly I haven't been a holiday person most of my life, but as I said I'm trying to begin a new outlook on life and focusing on the negative or the things that you don't like about it makes it worse, so I'm pulling myself up. Oh, also decided to change how I speak about things. I had a bad habit of speaking negatively about situations where it always made me carry the burden of the bullshit. For example, if I met a guy who wasted my time, I would say that he wasted MY time, and it would piss me off for the longest because I felt like I had been cheated out of something. But instead now I will say that HE has wasted HIS time. Simple as it seems, it makes me feel better when i say it that way because it has nothing to do with me.
I'm really trying to move in the right direction with my life, and with this year on its way out and my bday arriving in less than 30 days, I believe its a good time for me to make a change. So in 2 more days my first month will have ended (but it feels more like its been a year already) and I will be on month number 2. I'm excited and scared because it truly feels like I'm on the edge of something and having to get ready for a change.
You know when you decide to grow up and do things differently you almost have to questions why you are where you are. I looked around me today and saw that I am very comfortable with the life that I am currently leading but I'm not satisfied with the life that I am leading and that is a big difference. Are the things that are making me comfortable in reality a secret hindrance to my true calling and goals? In order for me to grow I will have to step away from the cushion that is around me, and honestly that is scary. It feels scary. Am i ready to move away and trust that I can do it all on my own? Am I ready for a promotion with more responsibility or do I want to stay in my flexible position where I have freedom but no satisfaction?
There is a part of me that yells that I am 35 yrs old and should have this down by now, and that honestly doesn't help because sometimes it makes me freeze.
The bottom line is I need to figure some things out and get on it now and not later. My clock is ticking
Monday, December 13, 2010
December 13, 2010 Day 24
Okay, I'm almost at my 30 days and i feel pretty good. Today (although the weather was horrible) I feel okay. I think that the worse is over or should i say out of me and now its all about actually walking the walk and becoming something different. Its not like I don't have the intelligence or the ability to make a change I have just been avoiding it, cuz i know that it means I have to truly step up and accept the responsibility that comes with change.
My best friend will be moving in 2011 and i am so excited for her. She has gone through alot with her marriage and kids and things are finally working out for her so I wish her the best, I believe I am just ready for my new start. Have you ever just felt excited about "something" but not quite sure of what is coming, but you know it is something really good? Thats kind of how I feel, like there are greater things for me, I just need to finish doing my part of this work and HE will do the rest.
Trying to also figure out what I am going to do for the holidays. My family is playing tug of war with me, they are afraid to tell my mom (yes.....afraid) that they want me to go over another aunts house for a family gathering, so they came to me in secret (yes.....in secret) and told me while begging for me not to reveal to her where I got the information from. I don't think I am going to leave my mom hanging. First, xmas is only 2 wks away and the fact that they had to come to me in secret makes me feel like a pawn and I'm not going to play that game, or be used against my mother. Yes, its pitiful over here, I hope your family is not as ridiculous.
Oh well, I am almost finished with school for this semester, ready for a break. Been looking around for different places to move...Florida looks nice, so does Colorado (i just don't want any snow). But it will be someplace, cuz i truly am ready.
My best friend will be moving in 2011 and i am so excited for her. She has gone through alot with her marriage and kids and things are finally working out for her so I wish her the best, I believe I am just ready for my new start. Have you ever just felt excited about "something" but not quite sure of what is coming, but you know it is something really good? Thats kind of how I feel, like there are greater things for me, I just need to finish doing my part of this work and HE will do the rest.
Trying to also figure out what I am going to do for the holidays. My family is playing tug of war with me, they are afraid to tell my mom (yes.....afraid) that they want me to go over another aunts house for a family gathering, so they came to me in secret (yes.....in secret) and told me while begging for me not to reveal to her where I got the information from. I don't think I am going to leave my mom hanging. First, xmas is only 2 wks away and the fact that they had to come to me in secret makes me feel like a pawn and I'm not going to play that game, or be used against my mother. Yes, its pitiful over here, I hope your family is not as ridiculous.
Oh well, I am almost finished with school for this semester, ready for a break. Been looking around for different places to move...Florida looks nice, so does Colorado (i just don't want any snow). But it will be someplace, cuz i truly am ready.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday Dec. 8, 2010
Have you ever stood behind a wall and wondered why you cant see?
Was there a time when you looked in the mirror and realized all that you have never seen ?
I had an epiphany
It amazes me that I have been able to go through life so blindly
I broke down for a short while when I realized my own level of disrespect
My heart cried out and the unthinkable process has been laid before me
Have you ever truly felt ugly?
An ugliness which resonates inside
And sits in you like an unborn child
It was my ephiphany that showed me the specks of dirt
Residing in my soul from years of gravel loving
An epiphany which told me
How much I don't know the real me
Rinsed my eyes so I could see
I had an ephiphany
A camera that dropped in my spirit
And showed me how my words have been vomited
At my own doorstep
I am unclean
I had an epiphany
i've been living in a hole
where my soul
is not growing
Where the horrid reality of who I have allowed myself to become
Stared right back at me naked and ashamed
she wondered how I didn't see it all along
she wondered how was i ever going to love her now
She had an epiphany
Where she told me to shed tears
But I couldnt because my fears
Consume how I really feel
We had an epiphany
that we are lost
Her loss of love shown clearly in her eyes
We stood there watching each other
Her i.v. of hope dripping dry
Together, we had an epiphany
waiting for its meaning
so hopefully our lives can begin
Was there a time when you looked in the mirror and realized all that you have never seen ?
I had an epiphany
It amazes me that I have been able to go through life so blindly
I broke down for a short while when I realized my own level of disrespect
My heart cried out and the unthinkable process has been laid before me
Have you ever truly felt ugly?
An ugliness which resonates inside
And sits in you like an unborn child
It was my ephiphany that showed me the specks of dirt
Residing in my soul from years of gravel loving
An epiphany which told me
How much I don't know the real me
Rinsed my eyes so I could see
I had an ephiphany
A camera that dropped in my spirit
And showed me how my words have been vomited
At my own doorstep
I am unclean
I had an epiphany
i've been living in a hole
where my soul
is not growing
Where the horrid reality of who I have allowed myself to become
Stared right back at me naked and ashamed
she wondered how I didn't see it all along
she wondered how was i ever going to love her now
She had an epiphany
Where she told me to shed tears
But I couldnt because my fears
Consume how I really feel
We had an epiphany
that we are lost
Her loss of love shown clearly in her eyes
We stood there watching each other
Her i.v. of hope dripping dry
Together, we had an epiphany
waiting for its meaning
so hopefully our lives can begin
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Thursday Dec. 2, 2010 Day 13
Hey, I hope your holiday was good, mine was well........i don't even know where to start. First I would like to say that if nothing else positive has happened to me this year, the one thing that 2010 has forced me to do is look at myself, my choices, my decisions and my life. I have come to terms and faced alot this year in dealing with myself, and alot of the things that I came to discover I was not to proud of, or realized that they do not align with the path or person that I would like to become. Yes, I am still growing, although I do believe I am a late bloomer.
I went out of town for the holidays with my mom and daughter, and it was again, both a positive and eye opening experience. My mom and I don't really see eye to eye (as if thats rare) but my reasons are very personal ones. I have never truly felt like my mother has ever actually cared about me or lifted me up to become the best person possible. Now I do realize and accept that my life and my choices are what I have done only to myself and they are things that I have to live with, but I do also feel that it is a mothers job to "guide" her child in the right direction. I also think you should know that I am adopted. I'm sure that plays a major part in it, because I never really am able to look at someone around me and see where I come from, or who I might act like. So there are things that my mom might be doing which are normal for parents to do, but I dont see it that way. When she is negative, I just see negativity. Example - out of town sitting down for breakfast, my aunt who lives in GA asks if I am driving back home. My mom replies yes and then proceeds to make up a story about how I don't know how to drive on the freeway so she has to teach me. I look at her like what are you talking about, but I dont say anything. The conversation continues and I say, well this out of town driving is good for me becuz one day I will have to get on the freeway to come back to my hometown (I really want to leave here) and my mom in front of everyone says "well get you some credentials and maybe someone will hire you"
That statement not only bothered me, it reinforced why we are not close. I don't believe in tearing your loved one down, especially not in the presence of others, and to work full time, be in school full time, a single mom of a child who is a straight A and B student (and I'm heavily involved in her education and her life) i think I'm doing pretty damned good. I don't receive any govt assistance or child support so I am really doing it on my own. But it let me see that I along with guys,I have also allowed others to tear me down as a person to make themselves look good in front of others. Which really makes me question my true level of self love. My daughter just yesterday said to me "i wanted to buy grandma a gift cert to a restaurant for xmas, is that good enough for her?" my daughter is 10, and for that to come out of her mouth scared me, because it is letting me see that she is going down the same path i did when i was her age dealing with my mom, and thats not right...atleast to me. i have no desire to allow my daughter to grow up a people pleaser, which essentially is what I have become unbeknownst to me at the time.
It seems that my quest for a year of peace is being challenged extensively, and on my way to work this morning, I realized that I allowed myself to be terribly bothered by the above incident and other ignorant situations that occurred over this holiday season. I forgot that its not just a year off of dating, but a year for me, which means polishing my own armor and finding the self that i truly love and respect. It means no longer putting myself or allowing situations to go on around me where I am made to be nothing more than an excuse or a stepping stool for your own personal gain. My daughter was in the room also when that "credential" statement was made, so imagine that kind of hurt to see your child look defeated because of your allowing defeat of yourself.
I'm not sure exactly what i am going to do about my situation but I do know a change is necessary. I'm unsure if its a change of scenery such as moving away to someplace else and try to start anew, or just a change within, or maybe both, but I do believe a change is necessary because inside I'm not happy and the more I am starting to feel my true emotions, the more I realize that I'm not in love with me at all, so how could I possibly truly love someone else.
I went out of town for the holidays with my mom and daughter, and it was again, both a positive and eye opening experience. My mom and I don't really see eye to eye (as if thats rare) but my reasons are very personal ones. I have never truly felt like my mother has ever actually cared about me or lifted me up to become the best person possible. Now I do realize and accept that my life and my choices are what I have done only to myself and they are things that I have to live with, but I do also feel that it is a mothers job to "guide" her child in the right direction. I also think you should know that I am adopted. I'm sure that plays a major part in it, because I never really am able to look at someone around me and see where I come from, or who I might act like. So there are things that my mom might be doing which are normal for parents to do, but I dont see it that way. When she is negative, I just see negativity. Example - out of town sitting down for breakfast, my aunt who lives in GA asks if I am driving back home. My mom replies yes and then proceeds to make up a story about how I don't know how to drive on the freeway so she has to teach me. I look at her like what are you talking about, but I dont say anything. The conversation continues and I say, well this out of town driving is good for me becuz one day I will have to get on the freeway to come back to my hometown (I really want to leave here) and my mom in front of everyone says "well get you some credentials and maybe someone will hire you"
That statement not only bothered me, it reinforced why we are not close. I don't believe in tearing your loved one down, especially not in the presence of others, and to work full time, be in school full time, a single mom of a child who is a straight A and B student (and I'm heavily involved in her education and her life) i think I'm doing pretty damned good. I don't receive any govt assistance or child support so I am really doing it on my own. But it let me see that I along with guys,I have also allowed others to tear me down as a person to make themselves look good in front of others. Which really makes me question my true level of self love. My daughter just yesterday said to me "i wanted to buy grandma a gift cert to a restaurant for xmas, is that good enough for her?" my daughter is 10, and for that to come out of her mouth scared me, because it is letting me see that she is going down the same path i did when i was her age dealing with my mom, and thats not right...atleast to me. i have no desire to allow my daughter to grow up a people pleaser, which essentially is what I have become unbeknownst to me at the time.
It seems that my quest for a year of peace is being challenged extensively, and on my way to work this morning, I realized that I allowed myself to be terribly bothered by the above incident and other ignorant situations that occurred over this holiday season. I forgot that its not just a year off of dating, but a year for me, which means polishing my own armor and finding the self that i truly love and respect. It means no longer putting myself or allowing situations to go on around me where I am made to be nothing more than an excuse or a stepping stool for your own personal gain. My daughter was in the room also when that "credential" statement was made, so imagine that kind of hurt to see your child look defeated because of your allowing defeat of yourself.
I'm not sure exactly what i am going to do about my situation but I do know a change is necessary. I'm unsure if its a change of scenery such as moving away to someplace else and try to start anew, or just a change within, or maybe both, but I do believe a change is necessary because inside I'm not happy and the more I am starting to feel my true emotions, the more I realize that I'm not in love with me at all, so how could I possibly truly love someone else.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November 21, 2010 Day 3
Today was a little bit difficult. I don't know if it was because i spent most of the day quiet doing studies for school but it was just kind of a down day. It was a struggle for me with my thoughts today. You know how sometimes you keep going off about a situation even after its done because you cannot believe the nerve of it...well that was me today. I kept remember this guy who i was "talking to" we weren't even dating, the first time i invited him over my house he for some reason assumed that meant we were going to sleep together. Once he realized that it wasn't going down like that, he became rude. He apologized for it afterwards, but....too late. Even though we work in the same vicinity I never spoke to him again. Realized that i've been dealing with assholes forreal. I'm unsure why i cannot spot them much quicker but i guess that is something that i will work on during this year.
Another thing i was working on today was trying to figure out what i am going to do with myself over this next year. I had begun working on a book about a year ago that i didn't finish. Its really good and that is definately something I have planned to complete. Along with submitting songs. I have been a songwriter most of my life, but never submitted any of them. Why? I have no idea, just got caught up in life I guess. Finish my weight loss. During 2010 I lost over 60 lbs, which is excellent but i am still not completely satisfied. I now am wearing a 14/16 which while not huge, is also not small. I want to atleast get down to a 8/10 and for my height and shape that is perfect.
I ordered a new bed today, because i also decided to work on redecorating my home how I want it. I love morrocan style, its a look that i have always wanted but never put forth the energy to do.
The more that i think about it the more i realize that I have put all my wants/needs/desires on hold for everything and everyone else. My daughter has 3x the amount of clothes that I do, my friends get counseling whenever they desire but are rarely there when i want to talk, and my family....well i nor you have enough time in life to talk about their bullshit. But its slowly becoming clearer to me how good this decision was to just really take a step back. Tomorrow is back to the weekday grind...hopefully everything goes well. Talk later.
Another thing i was working on today was trying to figure out what i am going to do with myself over this next year. I had begun working on a book about a year ago that i didn't finish. Its really good and that is definately something I have planned to complete. Along with submitting songs. I have been a songwriter most of my life, but never submitted any of them. Why? I have no idea, just got caught up in life I guess. Finish my weight loss. During 2010 I lost over 60 lbs, which is excellent but i am still not completely satisfied. I now am wearing a 14/16 which while not huge, is also not small. I want to atleast get down to a 8/10 and for my height and shape that is perfect.
I ordered a new bed today, because i also decided to work on redecorating my home how I want it. I love morrocan style, its a look that i have always wanted but never put forth the energy to do.
The more that i think about it the more i realize that I have put all my wants/needs/desires on hold for everything and everyone else. My daughter has 3x the amount of clothes that I do, my friends get counseling whenever they desire but are rarely there when i want to talk, and my family....well i nor you have enough time in life to talk about their bullshit. But its slowly becoming clearer to me how good this decision was to just really take a step back. Tomorrow is back to the weekday grind...hopefully everything goes well. Talk later.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Nov. 20, 2010 Day 2
Now I am a person that fasts and when you fast (if you are someone who fasts on a regular you know) your mind just becomes sharper and clearer. I felt like i needed to fast a couple of weeks agok but couldn't figure out what i am going to fast from.....hence my decision to take a year off. So anyways, i woke up this morning with this vivid memory of something that took place almost 15 years ago. why is this even remotely interesting, read on... a couple of weeks ago, i went out on a date with a guy that i recently met (no names will be mentioned...sorry:( ) Now at the movies, he was a perfect gentleman, but during our meal, he sneaks and takes a pic of my breasts with his cell phone and then shows me the pic as tho its the "right" or coolest thing ever, and no I was not scantly clothed which made it even more weird. Anyways......I was not only insulted but completely turned off from him at that point. If that wasn't enough when he drops me off he gets out of the car saying "i want you" as though I was going to let him in, then proceeds to text me "send me a pic of them" (referring to my breasts) within 5 minutes of leaving my driveway. So yes, I was totally dry(if you know what i mean LOL) . I let him know that i had no desire to see him anymore and advised him of the reason why. He claimed he meant no harm and apologized, but it was over. Well, about 3 weeks have passed and i hadn't thought anything else about him until this morning. About 15 years ago, i hooked up with this guy i had been dealing with and we went to a hotel and had sex. Well, I had sex for hours he just laid there in lifeless amazement receiving but not giving. I stopped dealing with him after that. He reached out to me but I didn't return the interest so things just died off. Why was that him!!! I laughed my ass off with both feelings of "hell naw" and honestly, some feelings of embarassment cuz i wondered if he might have remembered and assumed that we could just pick up where we left off!! He mentioned that he thought he "knew me from somewhere" and i said the same thing. I knew that where-ever we knew eachother from that we really KNEW each other, but I had completely forgot about meeting him 15 years ago (i guess that tells you how unsatisfied I was). Or did he not remember me and really is just immature at his 40+ age to have believed that his behavior that day was appropriate? Whatever it is, I found it crazy that the memory just dropped on me as i was waking up this morning. Man, if this is the kind of stuff that is going to surface this next year is going to be crazy!!! On to day 3.....
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